I just realized the prescence of a very large hole in between my last two posts. Particularly the bit about being terrified of marriage, and then a month later my very obvious status change from "terrified" to "ecstatic".
The reason I grew terrified is because I was, as I mentioned several times, looking at the word "marriage" as a life sentence. I thought once I got married that was it. Once I got married, I couldn't do all the things I wanted to, especially the things that involved travel and trying all sorts of different careers and places to live.
So, I changed the way I was thinking about it. If James and I had never got engaged, never planned to wed, would things be different? No. James has always maintained that he would go with me wherever my life (our life) took me (or us). His common denominator is me. Mine is him. Neither of our lives feel complete without the other in it. The only difference between being engaged and being married is a slight name change for me and the loss of my parent's insurance which I'll be dropped from when I turn 25 anyway, which by the time we're married will only be about six months away or less since we're planning on a fall wedding.
What we'll gain from being married means a lot more.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
My new story and some things I've missed ...
Here is the link to my newest story, that was published the 11th:
http://www.gainesvilleregister.com/local/x1227161495/Otts-Furniture-celebrates-50th-birthday-Saturday
One thing, I'm realizing that I missed was my curiosity for new music. It sounds strange to say that I didn't have time for it last semester. A few of the things I've been digging lately are LadyTron, Two Door Cinema Club, and Beirut, bands I already knew about but am re-discovering their music. I'm getting back into Cage the Elephant and Florence and The Machine. I've decided that a portion of this large income tax check is going to be devoted to more music. While our CD collection is large, a lot of it is not new. Most of the time, I am listening to my new music on the internet at home. I am one of those odd people who don't have an Ipod. Well, we have an Ipod shuffle but it never grew on me. While there is something I LOVE about a sort of soundtrack to my life, I also love to hear people talking, birds chirping, construction even. There is something musical in itself, and something that's a big part of my creativity in the everyday. I hate people who pop in their earbuds at every opportunity (make that missed opportunity) to be engaged in life. I like to soak it all in: the sights, the sounds. But I love music when I drive, and as someone who used to clock about 350 to 450 miles a week in my car, having good CDs can make a world of difference!
Also, in recent news, James and I have been discussing wedding plans again, and tonight I put a down payment on the perfect wedding dress for me! Unfortunately, I did not save the image for some reason, just the link and she removed the listing so I don't have a good picture to show you, but I messaged her and hopefully she can send me a full size jpeg to share with everyone. Since I paid the down payment on the dress, it's starting to feel real, but I'm excited. I'm realizing that the hesitation that was coming with actually starting to plan was nothing but just that I started treating marriage as a life sentence, as an end of sorts. I got into this weird mindset that once I got married, I would never travel, would start popping out kids immediately, and all my life's dreams would fall by the wayside. I guess I started to feel like I was losing my identity, and I started thinking of the word "marriage" as this scary, larger than life entity. We have lived together for almost three years, and it's pretty much going to be the same thing except we are just declaring our love for one another in front of our friends and families, and showing that our love is going to last forever. Just a stronger union, and I'm starting to feel as excited as I was when he first asked me. My only real concern is that after we get married, I will not be on my parent's amazing insurance anymore and I'm fixing to have to have a series of oral surgeries that we cannot afford, but now is the perfect time to take care of it, and most of my dental issues should be resolved by the time we get married.
And lastly, I was feeling some anxiety about not finding the perfect job yet and still working at Wal Mart, but lately I've found peace with it. I'm enjoying having actual days off now. I'm remembering what it's like to keep my house clean, and how great it feels to be home when it is. I'm experiencing what it's like to go out to dinner with James, and not thinking constantly about the work I have to do when I get home. I'm remembering what it's like to get 8 hours or more of sleep a night. I'm remembering what it's like to read for fun. I'm remembering what it's like to have a social life again, what it's like to have free time again. It's really nice that I'm able to have this time right now to, I guess, feel like a normal person again, so while I'm still trying to get a better job, I'm not going to freak out because things aren't happening immediately, and now I actually have time to plan my wedding!
A few pictures of my wedding dress that will be here around the middle of March:
http://www.gainesvilleregister.com/local/x1227161495/Otts-Furniture-celebrates-50th-birthday-Saturday
One thing, I'm realizing that I missed was my curiosity for new music. It sounds strange to say that I didn't have time for it last semester. A few of the things I've been digging lately are LadyTron, Two Door Cinema Club, and Beirut, bands I already knew about but am re-discovering their music. I'm getting back into Cage the Elephant and Florence and The Machine. I've decided that a portion of this large income tax check is going to be devoted to more music. While our CD collection is large, a lot of it is not new. Most of the time, I am listening to my new music on the internet at home. I am one of those odd people who don't have an Ipod. Well, we have an Ipod shuffle but it never grew on me. While there is something I LOVE about a sort of soundtrack to my life, I also love to hear people talking, birds chirping, construction even. There is something musical in itself, and something that's a big part of my creativity in the everyday. I hate people who pop in their earbuds at every opportunity (make that missed opportunity) to be engaged in life. I like to soak it all in: the sights, the sounds. But I love music when I drive, and as someone who used to clock about 350 to 450 miles a week in my car, having good CDs can make a world of difference!
Also, in recent news, James and I have been discussing wedding plans again, and tonight I put a down payment on the perfect wedding dress for me! Unfortunately, I did not save the image for some reason, just the link and she removed the listing so I don't have a good picture to show you, but I messaged her and hopefully she can send me a full size jpeg to share with everyone. Since I paid the down payment on the dress, it's starting to feel real, but I'm excited. I'm realizing that the hesitation that was coming with actually starting to plan was nothing but just that I started treating marriage as a life sentence, as an end of sorts. I got into this weird mindset that once I got married, I would never travel, would start popping out kids immediately, and all my life's dreams would fall by the wayside. I guess I started to feel like I was losing my identity, and I started thinking of the word "marriage" as this scary, larger than life entity. We have lived together for almost three years, and it's pretty much going to be the same thing except we are just declaring our love for one another in front of our friends and families, and showing that our love is going to last forever. Just a stronger union, and I'm starting to feel as excited as I was when he first asked me. My only real concern is that after we get married, I will not be on my parent's amazing insurance anymore and I'm fixing to have to have a series of oral surgeries that we cannot afford, but now is the perfect time to take care of it, and most of my dental issues should be resolved by the time we get married.
And lastly, I was feeling some anxiety about not finding the perfect job yet and still working at Wal Mart, but lately I've found peace with it. I'm enjoying having actual days off now. I'm remembering what it's like to keep my house clean, and how great it feels to be home when it is. I'm experiencing what it's like to go out to dinner with James, and not thinking constantly about the work I have to do when I get home. I'm remembering what it's like to get 8 hours or more of sleep a night. I'm remembering what it's like to read for fun. I'm remembering what it's like to have a social life again, what it's like to have free time again. It's really nice that I'm able to have this time right now to, I guess, feel like a normal person again, so while I'm still trying to get a better job, I'm not going to freak out because things aren't happening immediately, and now I actually have time to plan my wedding!
A few pictures of my wedding dress that will be here around the middle of March:
I am so excited! I can't wait!
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