Graduating ...

In the semesters before this one, graduating has always been a thought.  It was something I pondered late at night, or while sitting in class, especially when students are forced to introduce themselves with name, major, classification, and what we hope to gain from this class after the professor says "Unless it's 'I need this class to graduate," when in reality it's why everyone's here.

But to the point, there's nothing that's been on my mind more than my impending doo-, I mean, graduation.  Growing up, "the real world", etc.  If I had a speech bubble that would best define my feelings it would read: "I AM TERRIFIED!"  Yes, in all caps and everything.  Excitement is there definitely, but terrified is the word I find I use the most when talking about the way it feels.  I am bombarded by feelings of excitement, and then my natural pessimism (just kidding), or perhaps the internet, lets me know that I will probably not find a job for at least six months, if that's even average.  That's probably my best case scenario.

However, I think a large part of my anxiety just comes from the unknown.  The unknown of working at a job I may actually enjoy, and not a job I hate going to.  The unknown of having weekends off, and a regular schedule.  That may also differ.  The unknown as the time after college.  I have this grand vision of myself jumping from job to job, as doing all kinds of things before I find something or someplace I want to stay, without a care in the world, sans health insurance.  If I have to explain why it's funny, it's not funny.

Is the idea of just taking off and say taking pictures abroad, or getting a job and then finding something I enjoy more in a couple of months what scares me?  I'm impulsive only with safe things.  I'm not impulsive with things other people are, like spontaneous vacations, tattoos, or relationships.  I wouldn't call myself an alltogether spontaneous person.  I'm also not particularly driven.  I was raised by two hippies, and I am very much a product of that.  I'm creative, and believe in social justice, and am passionate about many things.  There are ways that I can think and write that I know could pay off, but I am not so good with rejection so I just tend to avoid trying in the first place.

For the past four and a half years, school has been my safe haven, my excuse for having a bad job, for many things.  I'm afraid that if I haven't found anything by six months after graduation, I will just spiral into a deep dark depression.  That I will think of myself as a failure, before I've really done that much to be labeled as such.

Another thing I didn't foresee about postgraduation, was being married.  There are so many things I want to do when I graduate.  There are several photo essays I want to complete that will involve travel, writing projects galore, places I have to see before I pop out a kid or two (just one please).  What I didn't take into the equation was love.  I didn't think that almost three years ago, I would meet that person.  I didn't even have a clue what that feeling was.  I thought I did, but I didn't really know how it felt to be unconditionally loved by someone outside of my family, how it feels to want to have a child instinctually with someone (something I'd never felt before, and never thought I would), how it feels to want to commit myself to someone until I'm wrinkly, fat, and gray.  Those things I have no question about in my mind, but a conversation I had with him recently made me wonder if I'm being selfish. I never thought I wanted children, and I definitely didn't see myself getting married.

Getting to that point, my mother has for months been saying that the most important thing is that I need to find a job with benefits and insurance.  The view of my own life does not play out so practically.  I have fantastical visions of James and I sitting outside in cafes abroad sipping something alcoholic, and perhaps fruity, in Paris or Venice.  Visions of pub crawling in Ireland, and club hopping in Europe.  Traveling all over the United States.  All while dressed like Audrey Hepburn and James like Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday.  A girl can dream right?  I understand that when you get older you probably wish you saved a little bit more, and realize that without insurance everything is expensive.  I get it, but my mom doesn't seem to understand the fact that I'm not ready for the grown up world of health insurance.  What I mean is that in my line of work, health insurance will be hard to come by in some professions.  However, James informed me that when we get married whatever job he has, I will be added to his insurance so I'm hoping he eventually gets a job with amazing benefits.  But still, I don't know if practical is my style.  At least it's not yet.

... Which brings me back to my original point.  A week or two ago, James and I, amid our rather dull "what happens when I can't be on my parent's insurance anymore?" conversation, started to discuss my lusting after extensive vacationing and future "job hopping".  The plan is for us to move to wherever my first job offer takes us.  While that seems obvious, I know that I want to do and experience many things, and many jobs.  So I asked, "What if I get a job offer for something that I really want to do, and it's on the other side of the country or even on the other side of the world?"  He told me that he can always find a job anywhere we move.  I then asked him if he would be upset or annoyed if he really found something he liked, and I'm sitting there asking him to move again.  It didn't seem to phase him, like the possibility of him finding work he liked would be impossible.  I also think about how important it is that he go back to school.  What if we move so frequently that he can't really pursue an education or has to transfer at the same time trying to find another job?  I didn't speak to him about this point, because he always maintains that he wants me to get through school before he even thinks about pursuing it.

Not that long ago, we decided that we weren't even going to begin planning our wedding until I'm done with school.  This is the third time we've postponed the wedding date (which we don't have).  I'm afraid that maybe secretly I'm horrified of marriage, but how can I be when I live with him?  Just the planning seems horrific, and just thinking about planning it right now, is enough to make me want to postpone it, and just be engaged for a while longer.  I know this would crush him, and he would think I didn't love him, didn't want to be with him, but it just doesn't feel like the right time.  Just graduation, as angst ridden as it's making me, is making me question every "life altering" decision I've made since I started college. 

I really just want someone to tell me that I'm overthinking it.  That maybe my parents were right, when they told me I don't have to be in a hurry to grow up.  Graduating makes me feel as though I have to do it all in a very short time span, and I think that's why I'm freaking out.  It's like everything around me is screaming, "You have to have it all figured out by December!", and my head is screaming back, "I don't!"  I can't believe that when I was younger, I thought by the time I was eighteen I'd have life figured out.  I'm not sure I ever will.