Obviously, especially the first couple of years after it happened, I get sad every year. A blog post Katrina wrote today, in the novel where the man is saddened by his lack of compassion for what happened, is something relatable to me.
I remember the day it happened. It felt like the news we were watching and hearing was the point of climax in a movie. It was incredibly surreal. One of the few times in my life I watched tv news for an entire day. In the last few days, I've been avoiding television shows, news headlines, just about anything with the words "Ground Zero" or "9/11" in it. I don't know if it's the media that makes me apathetic, or just the fact that is the most traumatic thing that happened in this country since I've been alive. It's not something I can, or want to even try fully realizing in my mind. It's completely unbelievable sometimes, and I don't want the fear and grief I felt nine years ago to come back into my mind. That united spirit everyone had following the event was such a beautiful moment. The support and love for one another that was ignited out of this shared tragedy was inspiring, however ...
Anyone who follows the news, or just glanced at a newspaper in the last few weeks has heard about the tension the Islamic center being built a few blocks away from Ground Zero is causing. I went from trying to ignore the ignorance of (ignore, ignorance ... get it?) right-wing conservatives, to mild irritation, to outrage, to sadness.
When I came into work this evening, there was a group of Muslim women in the woman's clothing section, and I saw a woman walk by, and give them some sort of evil look. I actually found myself scared that something was going to happen. This sort of anti-Muslim sentiment that's sprung up recently is horrifying. I remember how wrong I thought it was when I first heard after the 9/11 attacks that they were profiling people who looked like they might be from the Middle East out of lines at the airport to check them for bombs.
What I think makes me angry, the angriest, is that people hear this crap on the "news" and believe that all Muslim people are terrorists. What people don't understand is that a very small group of Muslims are Al Qaeda. Most of them are normal like we are. They just want to work, take care of the children, and be good citizens. Most of them do not hate America.
Among American citizens who were affected by 9/11, were many Muslim Americans. Americans who also lost family members in the attacks.
I just read an article in the New York Times about how political the 9/11 memorial was this year. How some arguments even broke out. Some of them were ridiculous statements, mostly about how all Muslims are terrorists. Maybe because 9/11 was so traumatic and outside many of our grasps, people feel the need to have someone who's easier to blame, such as Muslims in their neighborhood, than Al Qaeda in the middle east. I remember all the conspiracy theorists that came out after it happened. We don't understand why it happened, and it was so traumatic that to some there has to be some cover-up, some way to make it easier on our subconcious that these people died. Sometimes all the pieces just don't fit together.
Another thing I think these protestors have a problem realizing is that it's not even a mosque that's being built, is a community center with a place of worship inside. It's also not being built on Ground Zero, it's several blocks away. We should focus our passion on things that make some fucking sense, instead of insulting grieving family members on the anniversary of one of the most traumatic events in American history by protesting something that isn't half what people think it is. I bet if I just went up there with a megaphone and announced to the protestors the first two sentences in this paragraph, they would just leave.
This sheep-like mentality, and it seems almost intentional ignorance, is running rampant in our country. I feel as though I'm going crazy because it's as if the entire thing would be over if someone would just tell these people what's really going on. The entire thing could be solved within a matter of minutes. Obama said in that New York Times article that Muslim and Al Qaeda are not synonymous. He said we need to come together again, and end this ostracizing of a different religion. But the same people who watch Fox News, and believe Obama is a Muslim (which we know is synonymous with terrorist) are not going to listen to him because he just wants to build this "mosque" to train his future Al Qaeda members.
Why are right-wing Conservatives treating people who don't know any better like this? Why isn't anyone really standing up and calling for an end to this mindless insanity? I thought that the bipartisan turn of the media a few years ago was bad, but now I'm just generally shocked at what's getting played on something called the "news" that used to stand for something.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
Graduating ...
In the semesters before this one, graduating has always been a thought. It was something I pondered late at night, or while sitting in class, especially when students are forced to introduce themselves with name, major, classification, and what we hope to gain from this class after the professor says "Unless it's 'I need this class to graduate," when in reality it's why everyone's here.
But to the point, there's nothing that's been on my mind more than my impending doo-, I mean, graduation. Growing up, "the real world", etc. If I had a speech bubble that would best define my feelings it would read: "I AM TERRIFIED!" Yes, in all caps and everything. Excitement is there definitely, but terrified is the word I find I use the most when talking about the way it feels. I am bombarded by feelings of excitement, and then my natural pessimism (just kidding), or perhaps the internet, lets me know that I will probably not find a job for at least six months, if that's even average. That's probably my best case scenario.
However, I think a large part of my anxiety just comes from the unknown. The unknown of working at a job I may actually enjoy, and not a job I hate going to. The unknown of having weekends off, and a regular schedule. That may also differ. The unknown as the time after college. I have this grand vision of myself jumping from job to job, as doing all kinds of things before I find something or someplace I want to stay, without a care in the world, sans health insurance. If I have to explain why it's funny, it's not funny.
Is the idea of just taking off and say taking pictures abroad, or getting a job and then finding something I enjoy more in a couple of months what scares me? I'm impulsive only with safe things. I'm not impulsive with things other people are, like spontaneous vacations, tattoos, or relationships. I wouldn't call myself an alltogether spontaneous person. I'm also not particularly driven. I was raised by two hippies, and I am very much a product of that. I'm creative, and believe in social justice, and am passionate about many things. There are ways that I can think and write that I know could pay off, but I am not so good with rejection so I just tend to avoid trying in the first place.
For the past four and a half years, school has been my safe haven, my excuse for having a bad job, for many things. I'm afraid that if I haven't found anything by six months after graduation, I will just spiral into a deep dark depression. That I will think of myself as a failure, before I've really done that much to be labeled as such.
Another thing I didn't foresee about postgraduation, was being married. There are so many things I want to do when I graduate. There are several photo essays I want to complete that will involve travel, writing projects galore, places I have to see before I pop out a kid or two (just one please). What I didn't take into the equation was love. I didn't think that almost three years ago, I would meet that person. I didn't even have a clue what that feeling was. I thought I did, but I didn't really know how it felt to be unconditionally loved by someone outside of my family, how it feels to want to have a child instinctually with someone (something I'd never felt before, and never thought I would), how it feels to want to commit myself to someone until I'm wrinkly, fat, and gray. Those things I have no question about in my mind, but a conversation I had with him recently made me wonder if I'm being selfish. I never thought I wanted children, and I definitely didn't see myself getting married.
Getting to that point, my mother has for months been saying that the most important thing is that I need to find a job with benefits and insurance. The view of my own life does not play out so practically. I have fantastical visions of James and I sitting outside in cafes abroad sipping something alcoholic, and perhaps fruity, in Paris or Venice. Visions of pub crawling in Ireland, and club hopping in Europe. Traveling all over the United States. All while dressed like Audrey Hepburn and James like Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday. A girl can dream right? I understand that when you get older you probably wish you saved a little bit more, and realize that without insurance everything is expensive. I get it, but my mom doesn't seem to understand the fact that I'm not ready for the grown up world of health insurance. What I mean is that in my line of work, health insurance will be hard to come by in some professions. However, James informed me that when we get married whatever job he has, I will be added to his insurance so I'm hoping he eventually gets a job with amazing benefits. But still, I don't know if practical is my style. At least it's not yet.
... Which brings me back to my original point. A week or two ago, James and I, amid our rather dull "what happens when I can't be on my parent's insurance anymore?" conversation, started to discuss my lusting after extensive vacationing and future "job hopping". The plan is for us to move to wherever my first job offer takes us. While that seems obvious, I know that I want to do and experience many things, and many jobs. So I asked, "What if I get a job offer for something that I really want to do, and it's on the other side of the country or even on the other side of the world?" He told me that he can always find a job anywhere we move. I then asked him if he would be upset or annoyed if he really found something he liked, and I'm sitting there asking him to move again. It didn't seem to phase him, like the possibility of him finding work he liked would be impossible. I also think about how important it is that he go back to school. What if we move so frequently that he can't really pursue an education or has to transfer at the same time trying to find another job? I didn't speak to him about this point, because he always maintains that he wants me to get through school before he even thinks about pursuing it.
Not that long ago, we decided that we weren't even going to begin planning our wedding until I'm done with school. This is the third time we've postponed the wedding date (which we don't have). I'm afraid that maybe secretly I'm horrified of marriage, but how can I be when I live with him? Just the planning seems horrific, and just thinking about planning it right now, is enough to make me want to postpone it, and just be engaged for a while longer. I know this would crush him, and he would think I didn't love him, didn't want to be with him, but it just doesn't feel like the right time. Just graduation, as angst ridden as it's making me, is making me question every "life altering" decision I've made since I started college.
I really just want someone to tell me that I'm overthinking it. That maybe my parents were right, when they told me I don't have to be in a hurry to grow up. Graduating makes me feel as though I have to do it all in a very short time span, and I think that's why I'm freaking out. It's like everything around me is screaming, "You have to have it all figured out by December!", and my head is screaming back, "I don't!" I can't believe that when I was younger, I thought by the time I was eighteen I'd have life figured out. I'm not sure I ever will.
But to the point, there's nothing that's been on my mind more than my impending doo-, I mean, graduation. Growing up, "the real world", etc. If I had a speech bubble that would best define my feelings it would read: "I AM TERRIFIED!" Yes, in all caps and everything. Excitement is there definitely, but terrified is the word I find I use the most when talking about the way it feels. I am bombarded by feelings of excitement, and then my natural pessimism (just kidding), or perhaps the internet, lets me know that I will probably not find a job for at least six months, if that's even average. That's probably my best case scenario.
However, I think a large part of my anxiety just comes from the unknown. The unknown of working at a job I may actually enjoy, and not a job I hate going to. The unknown of having weekends off, and a regular schedule. That may also differ. The unknown as the time after college. I have this grand vision of myself jumping from job to job, as doing all kinds of things before I find something or someplace I want to stay, without a care in the world, sans health insurance. If I have to explain why it's funny, it's not funny.
Is the idea of just taking off and say taking pictures abroad, or getting a job and then finding something I enjoy more in a couple of months what scares me? I'm impulsive only with safe things. I'm not impulsive with things other people are, like spontaneous vacations, tattoos, or relationships. I wouldn't call myself an alltogether spontaneous person. I'm also not particularly driven. I was raised by two hippies, and I am very much a product of that. I'm creative, and believe in social justice, and am passionate about many things. There are ways that I can think and write that I know could pay off, but I am not so good with rejection so I just tend to avoid trying in the first place.
For the past four and a half years, school has been my safe haven, my excuse for having a bad job, for many things. I'm afraid that if I haven't found anything by six months after graduation, I will just spiral into a deep dark depression. That I will think of myself as a failure, before I've really done that much to be labeled as such.
Another thing I didn't foresee about postgraduation, was being married. There are so many things I want to do when I graduate. There are several photo essays I want to complete that will involve travel, writing projects galore, places I have to see before I pop out a kid or two (just one please). What I didn't take into the equation was love. I didn't think that almost three years ago, I would meet that person. I didn't even have a clue what that feeling was. I thought I did, but I didn't really know how it felt to be unconditionally loved by someone outside of my family, how it feels to want to have a child instinctually with someone (something I'd never felt before, and never thought I would), how it feels to want to commit myself to someone until I'm wrinkly, fat, and gray. Those things I have no question about in my mind, but a conversation I had with him recently made me wonder if I'm being selfish. I never thought I wanted children, and I definitely didn't see myself getting married.
Getting to that point, my mother has for months been saying that the most important thing is that I need to find a job with benefits and insurance. The view of my own life does not play out so practically. I have fantastical visions of James and I sitting outside in cafes abroad sipping something alcoholic, and perhaps fruity, in Paris or Venice. Visions of pub crawling in Ireland, and club hopping in Europe. Traveling all over the United States. All while dressed like Audrey Hepburn and James like Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday. A girl can dream right? I understand that when you get older you probably wish you saved a little bit more, and realize that without insurance everything is expensive. I get it, but my mom doesn't seem to understand the fact that I'm not ready for the grown up world of health insurance. What I mean is that in my line of work, health insurance will be hard to come by in some professions. However, James informed me that when we get married whatever job he has, I will be added to his insurance so I'm hoping he eventually gets a job with amazing benefits. But still, I don't know if practical is my style. At least it's not yet.
... Which brings me back to my original point. A week or two ago, James and I, amid our rather dull "what happens when I can't be on my parent's insurance anymore?" conversation, started to discuss my lusting after extensive vacationing and future "job hopping". The plan is for us to move to wherever my first job offer takes us. While that seems obvious, I know that I want to do and experience many things, and many jobs. So I asked, "What if I get a job offer for something that I really want to do, and it's on the other side of the country or even on the other side of the world?" He told me that he can always find a job anywhere we move. I then asked him if he would be upset or annoyed if he really found something he liked, and I'm sitting there asking him to move again. It didn't seem to phase him, like the possibility of him finding work he liked would be impossible. I also think about how important it is that he go back to school. What if we move so frequently that he can't really pursue an education or has to transfer at the same time trying to find another job? I didn't speak to him about this point, because he always maintains that he wants me to get through school before he even thinks about pursuing it.
Not that long ago, we decided that we weren't even going to begin planning our wedding until I'm done with school. This is the third time we've postponed the wedding date (which we don't have). I'm afraid that maybe secretly I'm horrified of marriage, but how can I be when I live with him? Just the planning seems horrific, and just thinking about planning it right now, is enough to make me want to postpone it, and just be engaged for a while longer. I know this would crush him, and he would think I didn't love him, didn't want to be with him, but it just doesn't feel like the right time. Just graduation, as angst ridden as it's making me, is making me question every "life altering" decision I've made since I started college.
I really just want someone to tell me that I'm overthinking it. That maybe my parents were right, when they told me I don't have to be in a hurry to grow up. Graduating makes me feel as though I have to do it all in a very short time span, and I think that's why I'm freaking out. It's like everything around me is screaming, "You have to have it all figured out by December!", and my head is screaming back, "I don't!" I can't believe that when I was younger, I thought by the time I was eighteen I'd have life figured out. I'm not sure I ever will.
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